Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize