I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize