turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
