Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
