I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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