Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Randomize
