forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
