how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
