Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
