I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
