He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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