Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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