The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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