I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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