yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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