im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
