i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
