he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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