So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
