Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Randomize
