Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize