My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
