I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
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