so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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