Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
