Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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