my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
