every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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