i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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