I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
