I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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