i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
