This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
