Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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