Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
