Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
