I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
