So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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