Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Randomize
