just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
