you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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