We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
