You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
