I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
