allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize
