i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
