CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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