A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I am available for nakedness
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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