when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
