I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
