Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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