just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
