if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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