Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
