I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
