Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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