Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
