HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
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