that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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