I CAN MOONWALK!
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
