There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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