i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
You're like the curious george of whores
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
the night ended with taco bell and tears
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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