chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
